DeLorean, We Hardly Knew Ye

The Associated Press reports that a Portland man was sentenced to two years of probation, a psychological examination and community service for battering his ex-girlfriend and impaling her pet fish.

Here's the sad part: According to court records, the human victim, Harris, had broken up with the defendant, Fite, but Fite returned to Harris's apartment saying he wanted to get back together. When Harris tried to leave, Fite shoved her against a wall, grabbed her hair and tossed her against a bathtub.

Here's the creepy part: "When she later returned to the apartment she found her fish - a bright purple beta named 'DeLorean' - on the wood floor with a knife through it."

Here's the confusing part: Fite confessed to killing DeLorean saying, "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish."

Here's the funny part: "Prosecutor Eric Zimmerman told Judge Eric Bergstrom that Harris plans to get a memorial tattoo of the fish and wanted Fite to pay for it."

Here's the denouement: The judge declined to make Fite pay for the tattoo. He did order Fite to stay away from Harris, but said he could have contact with fish.

Real instances of domestic violence are not funny, but the prosecutor's argument about the memorial tattoo is hilarious. But why stop there? How about making Fite pay for an eternal flame to be placed at the Oregon Coast Aquarium in DeLorean's memory? Or maybe we should make him organize an annual 5K fun run to raise awareness of violence against aquatic creatures? That'd serve him right after making that crazy confession.